A New Understanding – Hopefully the Final Destruction of Myself

One of the great mysteries of my life has been my parents’ reaction to me. Its been the *definitive* mystery of my life. I’ve been pieceing it together, made all the more frustrating the more pieces I have without a picture showing.

Their reaction to me has been one of abject terror. Hence the oppression and abuse. My constant question was why.

The problem is that such a fundamental question for the identity MUST be answered even before such an answer can be rational. So my operational answer, while I worked toward a real answer, was that I was a free man, outside the scope of systemic indoctrination, AND I was highly intelligent and strong-willed which combined to make me a threat to society. As time goes by and no real answer is found, the operational answer carries more and more weight… a weight that slowly began to strangle me. What I need is the truth.

The truth is more complex. My parents are Neocons, although they do not call themselves that (maybe they do now). They became disaffected (especially my mother) with liberalism. They turned against freedom in a sense, certainly against free radicalism. They saw in me the very thing they themselves turned away from because it to them represented a failed methodology. Their solution was to turn me away from the “dark side” through various unpleasant ways. Yet other undercurrents were in play. They support youth culture, including MY youth culture, in its overthrow of older culture. This resulted in a schizoid repressing while wishing for me to revolt against them. I was disgusted by this whole process, agreeing with not a single element of them or their approach.

In addition, they see society and by extension themselves as deeply corrupt… I was supposed to be the salvation. At the same time as the other crap they were also working the whole self-esteem angle… really elevating me, worshipping me in a way. Unfortunately, THAT worked. Maybe I clung to that because I had nothing else to cling to, maybe I was just being weak. In any case, I worshipped intelligence and I worshipped myself for being of very high intelligence. GRATZ ME!

This also had many related effects, however. I needed to build an identity that took advantage of my beliefs. So I would create things, create hierarchical games with me at the top, self-suppose my correctness on issues, self-suppose that my identity as a free spirit was a *result* of very high intelligence, etc… what confuses (or corrupts) the issue further is that I was *using* intelligence, using my own mind through this corrupt process… it became difficult to distinguish legitimate intellect from a sort of false identity management. During this, everything had the highest possible stakes, with me as the saving messiah.

So gratz, parents… they tried every possible angle to find weaknesses in me and they succeeded in one. I wonder what normal parents are like?

The good news is that day by day I’m learning more and more about myself… if I haven’t already destroyed myself that will happen soon. FUCK ME… I’m going to become something greater.


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